22 November

What a disaster. After spending 2 hours to get the fingering and transition for Plasir with all those barring, my left wrist pains now. argh. I can still play the guitar but I don't want to put any more strain on the wrist lest I develop some horrifying Carpel Tunnel Syndrome or something else. -.- sigh.

Labbing these days jumbled up my meal times. Missing lunch, late dinner etc etc. Oh well. I've gotten quite a lot of results but some just made things more and more confusing. I should find some time to sort and analyze these results while completing the intro to my paper.

Guitar was quite amazing this week. Some basic practice, but we had a great session on Thursday! Friday's sport session was quite cool too. haha. I'm looking forward to more guitar in Dec. :D

Oh ya! I met Dionne from my primary school class on MRT today! What a coincidence! Long time no see because of the lack of 6A gathering since last christmas, but I think another gathering's coming up soon!

-.- I think this weekend will be lazed off again.. procrastination! but I can't really help it. This inertia ain't going to be overcome that soon...

Attachment reflections

My 5 day attachment ended in a flash, while I was really enjoying the experience. Seeing and interacting with people, both patients and therapists, has given me so many thoughts that I've blogged in the previous few posts.

Throughout these 5 days, I have seriously considered OT as a career. Like what our coordinator has said, this job is well-paid, in the satisfactory sense. Monetary wise, not so. Truly, the kind of patient interaction make you feel really needed. Whether it's kids, elderly, regardless of their ability to understand you, you know that you are really needed and what you do really makes a difference.

Occasionally you get visits from recovered patients, showing you how they could walk and utter "谢谢你" non-stop. I'm seriously not exaggerating and I'm not those who would cook up stories. I've simply described what I saw.

As a doctor, I don't really know much about this satisfaction. There certainly is satisfaction, and some level of patient interaction. But the patient interaction is less, you diagnose and prescribe. then maybe some follow up.

I can't make a decision now, but I'm still slanting much towards medicine. It's not that I'm money-minded, but there has to be a certain amount to sustain the kind of lifestyle you want and to provide for those you love. The status too and education too. It's weird to tell your parents you going for a NYP diploma after taking JC?

But possibilities are plenty and OTs' recognition is progressing. It would certainly be exciting, but perhaps arduous too.

So the conclusion is I don't know, and it's really an un-informed choice if I make one now 'cos I haven't exactly seen the doctor's role and I'm just marvelling at OT. *shrugs*

Dr Troy Tan may not turn out to be doctor after all. Lol. To many others, attachments serve to reinforce their conviction in the career they want to pursue. For me, it just made things more complicated, but it certainly didn't get worse.

Thanks Guys!

Thanks guys.

Today's the start of my NUH attachment under occupational therapy(OT). It's totally cool lol. More details' are in my liveJournal post, friends locked so add me if you want to find out what happened lol. eruza_11

I had a great dinner! Pizzas were great, but dining out with you guys totally rocks lol. It's been some time since the 4I ppl hang out together. Though it's just 6 of us today, it's great enough, but i believe we'll have another great 4I dinner lol. Thanks guys for giving me that birthday treat and I guess all of us had a great time chatting for hours till 10pm. lol.

Irritating Jun Hui with his godly results, and just talking about how life is. lol. Thanks to Jun Lin, Hwa Pheng, Kah Loke, Jia Xi and Jun Hui!

It's less than an hour and I'm 17! 16 seems so sec 4ish and 17 seems so old. Life's passing too quickly when you're enjoying it! haha... but I believe my 18th year would be as great too!

Nigglings

Pain. What purpose has it to exist?

Everyone has their own pain. Some of us are still protected, some of us going through it, some of us went past it. Others.. hanging there. It's not an exact pain you can pin point. Perhaps there's no pain at all. Perhaps, it's just your imagination to think that you are in pain. But you don't know. You couldn't have known.

Pain manifests itself in many different forms. The intense ones cueing your screams. You can't control it. You just have to let it out. On the other hand, you bear the gentle ones, tucking them to a corner of your head where you can put them off with all the sunshine and starlight in your world. The other kind... those nigglings. Your screams make no sound. Yet it is unbearable. It comes and goes.

Hahaha. It's tiring. But after a good night's sleep, all the energy will be back. The stars will dissolve the pain caused by you when I sleep, and when I dream. The sun will greet me. Not you. And I'll return the sunshine with energy that comes out of nowhere. Not nowhere, pardon me, but a smile. :D

Then this smile last through the day, even if it dies down on the outside.
So now, it's time to greet the starlight in my dreams. hehe.

Fragmentation

It's kinda. numb.

I thought I've escaped from the clutches of the black hole. One that I created by destroying a star... with my own cold hands. Days have passed. Weeks have passed. Months have passed. If I didn't miscount, it would have been 100 days 4 days ago.

It could have. But that 100th day didn't come.

I'm living life as it is now. Bio O's my main concern now that I've decided I'm going to take NTU's H3 bio. Hurray.

I actually enjoy relaxation admist the guilt of not studying for bio O. Reading the papers for 2 hours in the morning, followed by playing the guitar for 3 hours before heading for guitar lesson in the afternoon. (zomg I'm attending grade 2 lesson alr!) I think I'm actually enjoying this kind of slow-paced activities.

And it's quite intriguing to read abt animals ie. anatomy, characteristics and features. I think it's quite cool to look at some animal and being able to identify its behaviour or physical appearance. hahahaa. lol.

With all those petrifying moments, it seemed as if my heart's protesting. (ectopic focus' premature excitation and contraction for bio o ppl).

I'm still living life as it is.

PS. I'm kinda making very fragmented posts. It kinda reflects my thoughts now.

Celebrations

I had wanted to blog this a few days ago, but I'm apparently swarmed by lots of random stuff.

Class BBQ was great! The class was pretty high and joyous throughout the evening, and I was pretty happy too. What's there to enjoy if one's not happy? lol. The fire started out alright, but we had to revive it 'cos the charcoal was seriously... too small. Nevertheless, we got the fire going and we bbqed all wonderful stuff such as stingrays, sotong, chicken wings, satays, kebabs and mushrooms. We celebrated birthdays, played cards, cam-whored, and break into random laughters especially with jonathan around.

It's really a pleasant class outing; something I would not mind to have it again (despite all the carcinogen and excessive butter). Nice to see and enjoy the class this way after the intensive mugging for the promos.

Celebrations didn't end for me haha. Sunday was Genevieve, my youngest niece's first birthday! My cousin invited us to this MINT Cafe at the MINT Museum of toys and we had a buffet there. The place may be a little small, but it's great to have the whole place to ourselves. The food is fantastic, especially the cakes. There's a Pinata too! The first I've actually seen in person.

And the birthday cake was simply... gorgeous. and what the it actually costs $200++ from The Patissier... Wow. I don't actually have words for the splendid taste and texture of the cake. (http://www.thepatissier.com/webtop/Browse/popup_desc.phtml?image=bday/girls_only_large.jpg&wh=263&ww=350&cakename=Material+Girls&weight=2kg&size=&diameter=&price=SGD+206.00+%2B+GST&desc=2D+white+chocolate+mirror+decorated+with+marshmallow+bags+and+icing+clothes.)

Haha and Genevieve's growing up quickly! I still remember visiting my cousin just after she gave birth in the midst of my sec 4 eoys. Time flies.

Back to school again, having to face all the ups and downs of schooling. Biology was rather disappointing for me. Somehow I screwed up but seriously it's just a B. What's the big deal and why let it affect my mood? Besides.... it's just promos. I'll guess I'll work harder next year but first, for Bio O. :)

Getting back econs tmr, haha but I'm like whatever..... lol. Having some thoughts these days, but I've no time to blog them. Next time perhaps.

Once again, thank you Chan Yi for the bbq, as well as the whole class who have made it enjoyable, and thank you Zhi, for Genevieve's first birthday bash!

It's all an origami

Walking along Buona Vista MRT station, enjoying the beautiful view of the moon hanging low in the horizon, thoughts just started to flow.

Today is a real tiring day. Having slept 2 hours, I'm totally shag and lack the energy to remain on the bright side all throughout the day. Nevertheless, though with moments of gazing into space and falling asleep immediately after boarding the bus, I'm still generally positive.

I don't want to talk about OP, it totally suz, and neither do I want to talk about chem. I'm content with what I get, for all the hard work I put in. But what frustrates me really... is... ok nvm. Bio O was generally palatable, though I'm like totally lost in these topics. I'd better read through these topics dilligently.

Sensing the guilt of being MIA in SRP boiling inside me, I took a cab down to NUS to finally enter the lab once again. A rather refreshing start to find out that my mentor has helped me obtained some results, and more importantly was a discussion on what to do next. It's kinda great to have such an involvement and control in your own lab work. As I dilligently extracted and purify my samples with 24 eppendorf tubes, I dozed off. Rather hard to imagine, but apparently I could doze off with an eppendorf tube in one hand and a pipette in another. It's only for a brief few seconds, but when I awoke I couldn't really recall which sample I was holding and whether I was adding or extracting. It happened for another 1 or 2 times before I stood up (instead of being lazy sitting on a chair) to continue my work.

I toiled to the bus stop at 7+, just to find myself packed into the bus. Fortunately it didn't take long for me to alight and admire at the moon.

I think the moon's most beautiful part is not the moon itself. Not the brightest rounded circle, but the soft and soothing glow around it. Serenity and hope, all in that dissolved light, or at least to me it is.

Many times, the past reflects upon my eyes. A content smile for that precious memory, only to be followed by eventual laments of the pitiful state of the present. Fortunately, or not, such laments die off with another grin to cheer myself up and look forward to tomorrow.

Oscillations of positivity and depression seem so scary, yet signifying my unwillingless to give up hope and land myself in a bottomless abyss.

Days have past, but it didn't seem long for me. I don't think this thought is shared. I'm starting to question the laments and memories. Are they still worth anything anymore?

Yet moving on, time and again ... sigh~ better not wallow any deeper.

Let us all believe these creases and folds... will unfold into a wonderful origami in the end.

Fatigued

Fatigue has definitely built up over these days. I have some heavy eyelids..... and definitely short term memory. When jonathan heng reminded me to contact the council for some OH stuff, I would start smsing, in the mean time, answer my mother's question, talk to jia jun on guitar stuff. Then I'll go back to smsing.. When I finished smsing, I wondered what Jonathan's reminder was.

GG. I'm like losing it. (Personal reminder: relay a guitar message, bring receipts to reimburse guitar stuff, bring rag, call yisan for spring cleaning)

And I've just pissed off my mum by not responding to her. I swear I heard her call me but my body just didn't responded. There's just no processing of message. I'm worse than a 64 mb RAM computer. And I promised her I'll help out with the chores after promos. And I need to keep to that promise.

Although I really get the energy after a night's sleep, it'll just take a short while before the fatigue sets in and bring me down to the tired, emo state. But trust me... though I'm really really tired, I'm not unhappy at all. I mean I'm definitely unhappy over the tiredness but otherwise, I'm really in the most positive state.

All I need now, is to play or sleep all day, like on this saturday. Or just a great deal of relaxation. I was going to email my prof to tell him about my schedule, but I've decided not to in my 'living corpse' state. tmr I guess.

Great. I'll sleep now. or at least soon.

Ice cream

oh man..... my dad just bought magnum ice-cream from the petrol station. But isn't Walls ice-cream unsafe? but it says on the label that it is made in germany. Hmm... better not eat it for the time being even though I want to eat ice-cream now.

Hmph. Kinda behind schedule for bio mugging but I guess I'll rest for the night 'cos my brain's saturated with 'animations' and models already. ..... Haha lol. I tried to imagine DNA molecule in mid-air, either being replicated or transcribed. Quite cool lol. kinda stimulating to memorise the 10 pts on structure of DNA, 3 functions of DNA, 7 features of the genetic code, 10 features of transcription etc.

hahaha. But it's kinda worrying that I'm memorising them in lists... Lacks the quality that I'll have to fill in after listing the pts.

Oh well. almost time for bed. carpe diem!

Ptal

well. New title pic. original work.

All I did was to draw strokes in many different shades of pink. and randomly put filters. What I got was totally unintentional but oh well... looks ok.

It looks like a flower, but also a tunnel kind of thing. lol...

3

Well... at the very least, 3 papers' past. A few shocks here and there, with amazing order of reactions, unbelievable GST analysis and an essay in 45 mins.

Oh well. All that's left is Math and Bio. I slacked the whole day today, when I supposed to do math. Bleh. I'll feel so guilty if I don't manage to finish my revision by sunday and screw up on monday.

Sigh~ what a way to end promos. Intensive mugging for bio. But I'll just rejoice after the last paper. hahahaa.

I'm feeling.... lost right now. It's ten and I don't want to do math, neither do I feel like slacking anymore. Guess I'll end of tonight with 1 or 2 math questions......

..... on second thought... I think I'm better off slacking.

Musical. Great.

Impossible.... Musical? Artist? lol.

Oh screw. It's like, I can't really tell off-keys and such? But when they ask me about having a song in my head all the time..... it's quite true. Like this one in my head right now.



Boom-de-ah-da!!!! I love the whole world! (and all its craziness)

I'm losing it! I'm perfectly fine :D

Maybe I'll learn bio better with songs. just joking lol. Back to mugging! Boom-de-ah-da!

Gun

It's time to blog! after such a long while.

Tmr's my sis' birthday, shared a phone with my mum and bro. dam cool phone. nokia 6660. bleh.

It's been a bright few days. Promo's starting to creep on everyone, but I just seem to get more relaxed! I've not followed my revision schedule, but somehow, I know things will work out in the end. I'll end of chem revision tmr and sat, followed by some GP preparation on Sunday, intensive econs revision on consultation days. Leaving Math for the weekend and Bio after math paper. I'm not feeling tense haha.

That's probably the reason I'm blogging here now, when everyone in the world's mugging out of their brains. I'm mugging like crap in school nowadays, but it's pretty light work and not so tense. I might feel very guilty if I score like dam badly, especially for chem. Though I've not started on bio, I would want to think like everyone else that the 4 days after math is sufficient. Math... 1 long weekend will do the trick.

So it's on chem and econs now! I think I'm totally crapped up for econs 'cos I haven't been listening in lectures, tutorials. (opps... no teachers see this). Econs probably means... market failure, the market structures and elasticity. Elasticity essays I'm familiar already, market structures I'll still need to memorise the evaluation. Market failure --> understand and memorise. One day would be more than enough but I'll need another day to go thru questions.

With everything planned out above, I guess I'm feeling quite comfortable now. Hurray!

Everyone's either bright stars or big guns. But there's still a long way to go for me...... I have a goal in mind now, that is to get into medicine! But first, biology olympiad. Hahaha. So I must meng for bio promos. Bio means memory. People say emotions form the basis of memory. That's how our circuits in our brains are formed. We remember those moments, even years back, that are filled with intense emotions most vividly.

It's been a really really short time. But I'm glad my emotions have taken a big turn around. Why? Let's just say it's the principle of equivalent exchange. In order to gain something, you have to sacrifice some other thing of equal value. Similarly, when you lose something, you gain something of equal value. It's difficult to measure 'value' but it still works for me. I didn't choose to lose, nor do I want to. But since I've lost, might as well use it as a motivation. (and shoot like big guns! (edited)).

:D

ISFP

This morning I woke up at 7 to run 2.4 km. Reached back home at 9, took a bath and my breakfast, played the guitar for 1 hour and sleep until 12. haha. The important point is, I'm so happy I don't feel guilty not studying in the morning. Guitar lesson's going to start in an hour's time, so I might as well slack a little a while now haha.
While surfing online, I found this http://www.achievecoach.com/top10/top_10_tips_for_taking_life_less.htmTake a break and read the following.

1. Project ahead.
Ask yourself: "How will I look at this circumstance six months from now? A year from now? Then how much will I (or anyone else) really care?"

2. Learn a lesson.
Okay, so things didn't turn out the way you expected. Ask yourself: "What can I learn from this so that I can do better next time?"

3. Look for the positive.
What did you do that was on the mark? Which parts went well? What were you happy about? Looking for the right stuff helps take the sting out of the parts that went off track.

4. Elicit feedback from a trusted family member, friend, or coach.
Permit your confidantes to assure you that things aren't actually as awful as they may look to you.

5. Forgive yourself; forgive others.

6. Understand that failure is often a precursor to success, often in ways that we cannot predict.

7. Don't dwell on the old.

8. You've heard it before: when you close one door, you move down the hall and open another.

9. How to deal with the personal embarrassment of your effort that went awry?

10. Get to the underlying issue of why you are taking outcomes too seriously.
Do your expectations of yourself (or others) tend to be unrealistic or unreasonably demanding? So what if things aren't perfect? What is the worst that can happen?

Hahaha... I'm not an advocate to take things lightly, dilly-dally, jump and hop around like a purple dinosaur. But, ya... don't let things like promos affect us too much.

Oh and anyway, I just took the personality test lol. and I did it twice! Both times, the test says I'm ISFP - The "Artist". Actually I doubt it 'cos there were several questions that I exhibit both behaviours. Lol... Just for fun.



Great.

Star

Hmm.. Things have happened in the past few days.

Somehow. I think it's the turning point.

You peeps just have to know that.. for whatever I am, and going to be, I doing it to change the future. There's probably nothing I can do to change the past, but I'm going to be positive and work towards changing the future before it's too late.

Yes, for the past few months, I've the most extreme darkness of all minds. Random emo-ness and break downs.

I'm going to proof to myself I'm no black hole. I'll be like a star. :) Dissolving all darkness around me hahahahaha.

Hope.

Hope, I can say is a very scary yet powerful tool.

There are people in this world who lives on hope. Hope, gives up motivation, strength and faith. When you feel down, hope brings you up again.

There are so much things we hope for. A better life, a better time, and perhaps a hope for what you wish for so faithfully.

In my wardrobe, I happened to come across this bag of candles. "Used" candles. A big one along with 5 small ones. Haha... It's my 15-year-old candles. I can still remember that year, my god-sister (from which I've gotten because we share a god-mother, who is my aunt for baby'sat' me.) used to keep all her candles. Because what she wished for is in those candles. Throwing them away is like throwing your wishes away. So, I kept them. haha but just for that year. The wishes? I've forgotten them. Guess I'm quite happy with my life then.

Throw away candles, but not your wishes or hopes. Hold on to them no matter what. Even if promos are falling on you. But, don't just wish for good results. In fact I wouldn't wish so. Hope for something more meaningful and fulfilling.

I hate to say this.. but. with hope comes fear. The fear of being defeated by the world, by how things have to turn out, by yourself. When we hope... it's natural of us to accidentally venture into "what if"s. I have no answer to this fear. But we just have to accept it and never stop hoping for that something that grips our heart.

Don't let go. :D

The Shadow of the Wind

How should I start this...

Just after the post I made in the afternoon, I went into my room and read my book. "The Shadow of the Wind" by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Splendid read. I've been reading it for days.. in the middle of the night. 11pm's my slacking time so I read from 11 to 1am. But today I decided to finish this enchanting book.

I don't really know how to recommend this book. you see.. there's so much suspense, flavour, thrill and romance in this story. But, the novel is set in such a dark society. Prostitutes, thugs, and cold streets, set in Barcelona. It's just so morbid, but all the more it appears so real. I can imagine myself in place of the character in the book. In fact.. I think I've gotten too engrossed in it.

It captures the thoughts of a growing boy so vividly. I thought I could see myself in it. But take heart, this book has some dark corners, that really render you speechless at times. Once, I was so gripped with fear that I trembled in my heart. Hold through the dark moments and enjoy it. But that's why I don't know whether I should recommend this book. It's a perfect read, but so dark and morbid that it grips us by our hearts.

The plot itself requires such mental capacity. The plot ventures so deep, it makes me flinch.
So if you think you want to read this book, I can lend it to you. But, hold your heart well first. (and study for promos first)

Hmm.. this is my first book that has given me so much feelings. I'm glad to be so engaged in a book, even if it is only once in my life. I'm looking forward to reading 2 other books I've bought. (after promos)

I'm so overwhelmed by it. I'm better off slacking tonight.

What a day!

Today started with a lonely mugging session in school. Did a number of math questions from the hols package.... sigh. the mugging week is ending soon. It can't be that bad. 4 more weeks... I shld count in months.. 1 more month. not that bad seriously.

I had almost threw myself down a dark abyss on the way back home.. Thinking about some stupid stuff. I was just lamenting how lonely a person I was. At times perhaps, where I had to be independent and live my life on my own. The previous year-end hols somehow appears to me as a very dark period, when I have to work in the lab, with people around, but my heart alone. That was kind of a set back I had... But now I'm doing fine. Friends cannot be with us all the time. We all have our own lives to live. We have to be independent at times.

At the end of the day, it's always heartening that some old friend remembers you and say hi to you on the streets. Haha... exactly. Met melissa at JP today. I was buying lunch while she greeted me lol. It's amazing how friends you've not met for 4 years+ remembers you lol.
I'm glad I have such acquaintances haha. Makes me feel that my existence is just there.
These days... I'm living in the past. The past few months. So wonderful and blissful. I find myself smiling to myself on the bus while conjuring images and scenes of memories. It's not very 'right' in a sense, but somehow keeps me going.

I sincerely hope that after the promos, I don't have to live in the past anymore.

I want to go back to the present, and heading towards the future I wish for. :D

Remember me this way...

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

* I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
Hmm……….. this way

I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
Forever more apart of time, you're everywhere
I'll always cares
(Repeat *)

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side and all you do
And I won't ever leave
As long as you believe
You just believe
(Repeat *)

Yup. Beautiful song.

I would be lying if I say I'm perfectly happy today. But, I'm still happy, generally. Content.

And, I'm addicted to a book lol. Shadow of the Wind. A good read :)

Feeling much better.

Phew... I'm feeling so much better these 2 days... All thanks to those letters I keep close to me.

I write letters too. It's kind of a release of emotions and agony when you have no one to talk to... especially in times like this when your family go on a holiday trip and your sibling to school.

sigh~ I still have to fight a lizard last night..

But anyways, my family's coming back tonight already and hopefully they'll bring lots of good food back from taiwan so that I can recharge myself!

I'm working hard now. Just 1 more month to go. It'll be gone quickly when I'm mugging. yup! and it's 3 pm already, time to study 'monopoly'.

Cya!